Around a year ago (May 2010) I was at a very low ebb indeed. My life was a mess. A financial mess, a health mess, a relationship mess. I could see no end to the misery all around me. I cried, a lot. This affected my whole family of course, so my family life was a mess too. I could see no end to the dismal sadness I felt in my soul, no light on any horizon. In all honesty it was only the need to look after my growing children that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what I might have done to stop the deep emotional pain that every day seemed to bring without them.
So I found myself one rainy morning driving to work listening to the radio, feeling so sorry for myself, tears dribbling pathetically down my cheeks. On the radio presenter Gloria Hunniford was talking about angels. Gloria had tragically lost her beautiful daughter to cancer and normally that would have snapped me out of my pathetic, self-centred, hopelessness. But not today. My heart was truly broken. what was the point of it all? More tears. I listened to Gloria, how her faith had helped her cope. She was talking about white feathers being a comforting sign of the nearness of angels, sent to help us.
At that moment,with all my heart I cried out to the God I wasn’t even all that sure existed. “Please God, if there is something more than this sad, hopeless, broken world, let me have a sign”. I cried it out straight from the depth of my heart.
I was 10 minutes from work. My partner and I had our own business. It was struggling in the recession. We were struggling, we didn’t know how to cope. I thought I’d better pull myself together, nearly there. I stopped the tears, but my heart was still desperately heavy.
The two young men who worked for us were getting ready to take out a delivery. Stock, heavy stock, that had been in our showroom for months, at least it was finally moving. I kept my head down as I passed them with a quick “good morning” and made a bee-line for the office. I let them get on with it, they were more than capable. As soon as they went I could tidy up behind them, reorganize the showroom. I liked doing that. Maybe it would cheer me up.
They called out that they were going, so I grabbed the vacuum to clean up.
On the floor, under where that heavy, dusty old stock had been, two beautiful, clean, fluffy white feathers.
At that moment everything changed.
After finding the feathers and feeling encouraged that “There are more things in heaven and earth… Than are dreamt of in your philosophy”, to paraphrase Wm Shakespeare, I set about buying a Holy Bible and reading it. I learned the 23rd psalm by heart with an instinctive feeling that it might come in handy to have the comfort of it always ready to confess aloud, and so it has. I feel it contains everything.
The more I read the more peace I felt and the more comforted I was. At the same time the more bible I read (in secret) and Godly TV I watched, the more aggressive and hostile my partner became. I took to watching Joyce Meyer’s Enjoying Everyday Life, attracted to the title because that’s all I wanted and craved, a simple life I could enjoy. I wanted to not have constant disharmony in the house, and there was lying and pride. The devil was having a field day in our our family, I was desperately unhappy. The,more I became godly the higher the hostility was ramped up til it became unbearable. I prayed one night that God would come into my fiancé’s heart, but no, He had to be invited. I asked God to show me his heart – it was black, cold and hard as stone.
Things got worse until one day I cried out to God for deliverance from the situation. Okay said the Lord, be ready and don’t provoke the situation, I want you to know it is me. Long story short there was a minor incident and the police evicted my fiance. Suddenly everything was so peaceful and light. The kids and I could relax in our home for the first time in a very long time.
Suddenly though I had no job, no partner, no money… But I had God and Faith. And Joyce. I had prayed the prayer of salvation with her via TV one day when I was feeling desperately broken.
I quite quickly got my finances sorted out,found a mortgage insurance I had forgotten I had. Okay, we could cope. Thank you Lord!
I found a wonderful bible-based church and the feeling of family support from them was like a warm loving wave washing over us.
It wasn’t long before the Lord taught me about forgiveness, and I’m reconciled with my, still unsaved, fiancé but we no longer live together.
I got baptised, in water, and in the spirit.
I watch Joyce, and others, every day. I read the bible everyday. I pray and worship every day. I look for ways to help others, to be a blessing, and I study. Mostly, I give thanks every day.